Updated: Aug 17, 2019
It's so tough to feel like I'm not myself. I have grown so used to presenting a certain version of myself. It is like walking a tightrope, at times, of who I am right this second and who I allow the world to see. It is especially difficult when I feel like the world is actually watching. I've gotten so many comments that say things like "You put yourself in the public eye". I guess to some extent that is true. I chose this life, and I love this life of being an artist. In all honesty I have always loved and felt comfortable being the center of attention. I feel comfortable being loud and happy. I love feeling like I am impacting someone's day by bringing them joy. I love to make people smile and sing and dance. Those are the parts of this life that I am comfortable with. The parts that energize me and give me purpose.
Now for the hard part, the areas that cause me insecurity. The truth is right now I'm lonely. I'm a little sad and little bit broken. I am rational enough to know that this will pass. I know that my heart will mend and I will eventually feel like myself again, but for now I'm a work in progress. The whole heartbreak thing goes far beyond just the failed relationship and the BOY (emphasis on the boy) that hurt me. It is more all encompassing. I feel unsure of myself, I feel insecure about things that never phased me before this situation.
One example of these insecurities stems from the comments that I have read about myself. I understand that people are mean on the internet and sadly this is a thing that everyone faces. Friends and family that love me constantly reassure me that these "keyboard warriors" are just sad and that it is more a reflection of who they are than who I am, but that doesn't make it less difficult to read incredibly hurtful things. I try to ignore them and block them out and thankfully the hate has slowed in the past couple of weeks, but I'll probably never unsee the comments about my body and my character. I pray for those people. I pray for anyone who faces bullying, whether it is in their real lives or online, it is hurtful. It is mean. And most importantly IT IS NOT OK.
Another insecurity has stemmed from the fact that there was this other unbelievable woman involved in this whole thing. It is nearly impossible not to find myself comparing myself to her. I can't help but notice that she is beautiful and funny and strong. I think the part that hurts and impacts me beyond any of that, though, is the fact that she was chosen. I chose someone everyday that, in the end, chose her. That fought for her. That didn't even care enough about me to explain things to me. I don't know that it would have ever made it hurt less, but at least I would have known that I meant enough to him that he felt like I needed an explanation. Then beyond even this situation, to find out that the person who was telling me that he loved me was also seeing other people while seeing me. It's almost too much to fully process at times. I'm not ready and probably won't ever share all of the details of that time, but it has definitely torn me apart.
I don't mean to sound weak or whiny as I am well aware of my worth. Of what I deserve and like I said in previous posts I will never allow myself to be in this situation again. ever. But working through the many layers of hurt that accompanied this is a real bitch. There is a confidence that has been lost. I know I am not the only one that has faced it. I know I'm not alone in that and that does make me feel better, but it's still so tough.
I have been lucky in my lifetime to never really struggle with self-confidence. What a blessing that is. Even in my worst moments of insecurity I was always pretty confident in myself overall. I rarely questioned who I am. I think that is the part of this that causes me so much discomfort. I feel out of control. I feel like I have always been able to semi-control what the world thinks of me if I only present the 'good' parts of myself. Now I find myself fighting with the parts of me that I would rather no one in the world saw, but those parts are dying to be heard. They want to show their face and I feel unsure of how to allow the parts of me that terrify me to become a part of who I am as a whole.
I've been seeing someone to help me work through all of this and she compared my current life to a ship wreck and I couldn't have come up with a better visual if I tried. The initial crash and crisis are over and now I am standing in the wreckage of what happened. I am looking around at all the parts of who I am and wondering how to put them back together again. What happens if I get it wrong? What happens if I let the world see the broken parts?
All in all, I have decided to view this as an opportunity to figure out who I am now. Not "who I'm supposed to be" and most definitely not who I was before the ship wreck. But who I am right now. There are so many parts of this girl, The girl that is opening up and showing the broken parts to the world, that I am so proud of. I have become stronger in the past few month than I ever could have dreamed possible. I have challenged myself. I have cried more than ever. I have prayed more than ever. I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father. I have learned to lean on him in every moment of weakness and of strength. The girl typing this is strong. She is unsure of exactly how all of the pieces of the shipwreck fit together, but she is trying to be patient and give herself grace in putting the pieces back together.
My hope is that anyone else who might feel a little lost or a little broken would find the strength in that place because it takes strength to pick up those pieces. It takes bravery to let the world see you at your most vulnerable, but I am certain that the person that survives that shipwreck becomes a pretty incredible human being. So here's to finding the silver lining in the middle of the wreckage.